Brilliant, Liz! I loved this!
When there is dissociation and encapsulation in trauma, the part that goes
on without what has been dissociated (often the 'bad' part) is "being
good", i.e. following what seems like the behaviour that will make those
who love us, behave with respect, appreciate what we are going through and
take us in lovingly.
Of course, the reality of our lives as traumatised beings is that *we* are
the ones who need to take ourselves in, to integrate, to bring home with
love and respect, that which has been dissociated, cast off, so unbearable.
That's why I appreciate systemic constellations for this work.. it enables
us to safely (if shockingly) see what has been excluded. That's why I so
appreciate this forum and the sorts of conversations possible (muck and
all)... we can support each other in doing thoughtful compassionate work
with those committed to healing, however 'defended'. We all defend when we
feel unsafe or insecure, often when our current structure is threatened.
That what our own mirrored defensiveness can tell us... that we are feeling
threatened. It's a good spark to encourage us to sort out by what and
why....
A lot of familiar structures are being threatened right now.
White and western supremacy, male dominance, human centrality in Earth's
systems..
To repeat Angywnn's quote, soon to be a T shirt across my chest.
"Better to be kind than right"
May your client continue his healing. May we all give up on the very idea
of "perfect parents" and "saints", give back what is not ours to carry
forward and bring home those parts of ourselves still vulnerable, creative
and close to Spirit.
Beannachtai
Eimear
Eimear O'Neill PhD
www.eimearoneill.com
‘If we surrendered/ to earth’s intelligence, we could rise up rooted, like
trees."Rainer Maria Rilke:
On 11 June 2017 at 09:28, Liz Jelinek lizjelinek@xxxxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk] <ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Dear Barbara, this message from you really seemed to fit for my client.
So, yesterday with a large group of mostly newcomers I felt this was a good
place to go with the client we discussed in this forum, and to leave the
issue of his feelings towards his daughter for individual for now.
His “perfect” parent have been such a hindrance to forward movement , so I
wanted to use this as good learning tool for the new people and hoped it
would be a significant healing for my client.
I set up representatives for mom and dad and had them seated across from
the representative for the man who was standing. The client could see the
whole field from his seat next to mine.
I approached the rep for the man, a very young first time attendee, and
whispered to him to yell as loud as he could to the two seated
representatives, “I hate you both,” as loud as he could.
This young man must have studied Shakespeare in GB in a former life as his
voice was magnificent—loud and clear.I thoght my client would fall off the
chair but the client’s wife across the room quietly gave me the thumbs up
(35 years of marriage to a man with PERFECT parents). I walked to the man,
took his hand and placed him in the circle in front of his rep. I asked the
rep to put his hands on the man’s shoulders and to yell the same thing
again. The man’s face began to soften and the shock began to dissipate.
The rep was very tall and young, the client very small and older. The
irony was deliberate. He left the room and took a woak, and when he
returned he was different.
I encourage clients to not talk about a constellation for a day or three.
So I don’t know the impact or if it healed anything for him. But his face
was very different.
Barbara, this was not exactly what you suggested, but it was such a good
hint into assisting this man to reconcile the burdens that he carries and
perhaps a step to give the burdens back to the ancestors to whom they
belong.
Maybe he will be able to give up having to be PERFECT—just like dear old
mom and dad.
Liz Jelinek, PhD
On Jun 8, 2017, at 11:42 AM, Barbara Morgan theknowingfield@xxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk] <ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
No but I do remember him saying he preferred 'sinners'!! He was talking to
a young woman and saying; "You're a little too nice for me." Then he
suggested she stand at the edge of the stage and yell: I hate you ly neat
the audience.
She said she felt great afterwards!!
Best wishes
Barbara
Sent from my iPhone
On 8 Jun 2017, at 13:16, 'Eimear O'Neill' eimear@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk]
<ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
I don't suppose Hellinger used that good Irish saying "No good deed goes
unpunished!" Irony aside, self-sacrificing mothers can demand/command
loyalty in family systems that covers up their own transgenerational
traumas passed on to the next generation... especially if the mother (or
father) has put aside their own health, well-being, healing, leaving a
relationship and dealing with composting their own muck, "for the
children's sake". Unspoken resentment, inappropriate expectations and
projections, rigid moral imperatives about sexuality backed by divine
right,.. you can all imagine the list of more obvious 'punishments'.
In this particular case, I'd be interested in at least leaving space for
the transgenerational trauma on both sides.. From an earlier extensive and
well-respected national survey here in Canada (Badgley Report) it's *one
in two *of girls under 14 who have had some exposure to the continuum of
sexual abuse (almost all of it by men) and *one in three* of boys (almost
all by men)... That number appears to have dropped by the 2014 Community
Health Survey.. however that smaller survey left out indigenous populations
where the rate of sexual abuse for girls is 8 out of 10, 6 out of 10 for
boys.
One conclusion is that most 'saints' would have had exposure to early
childhood sexual abuse, however that was handled. These numbers also
underline the critical importance of dealing with men's sexual responses
and traumatic re-enactments in relation to children, transgenerationaly.
Bruce's post reveals how systemic constellations work can contribute in
that.
Warmly
Eimear
Eimear O'Neill PhD
www.eimearoneill.com
‘If we surrendered/ to earth’s intelligence, we could rise up rooted,
like trees."Rainer Maria Rilke:
On 8 June 2017 at 00:48, Anngwyn anngwyn@xxxxxxx [ConstellationTalk] <
ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Greetings from Budapest,
Years ago I seem to remember Hellinger saying something
interesting and important about parents who are regarded as "saints" but
I cannot remember what that was. Does anyone have that information ?
Warm Regards
Anngwyn St. Just Ph.D
www.acst-international.com
http://anngwyn.wisrville.org
