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-----Original Message-----
From: "Chris Walsh chris@xxxxxxxxxxxxx [ConstellationTalk]"
<ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Sender: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Date: Tue, 15 Mar 2016 10:30:16
To: <ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Reply-To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] Shame
Thanks Cristina
Sylvan Tomkins and his followers including Donald Nathanson are the only
people I know who define shame in a meaningful way when they talk about it.
Without a definition much of the conversation about shame ends up being a
series of misunderstandings where people are talking cross purposes.
Tomkins describes shame as being a flattening emotion (or affect to be
precise) that makes us lose energy, makes us clumsy and stops us from
thinking clearly. Despite that, like all of our emotions, it has adaptive
value. It dampens our excitement when it is misdirected. There is a
linguistic clue to that when we look at the word "shameless".
Someone who is shameless is untrustworthy because they don't pay any
attention to social constraints. Shame is important for socialisation and
fitting into groups. Of course it can be misused to beat people into shape
but let's not commit the error of throwing out the baby with the bathwater.
It is interesting that Steve who is working with Asian cultures raised this
topic. Asian cultures are less individualistic and prioritise collective
wellbeing. As such they treat shaming more delicately. They are very aware
of it in the concept of "face". Saving face is extremely important for the
Chinese. Causing someone to lose face is a very serious matter.
Unfortunately we in the West have gone from ignoring shame to demonising it
- especially in therapeutic circles. As far as I am concerned that is still
a very primitive response. Shame needs to be integrated, to be given a
place and included and to be valued as an adaptive emotion. Only then can
we have a healthy relationship with shame - Sounds like a constellation
doesn't it!
Cheers
Chris Walsh
Melbourne, Australia
ph +61 (0)3 9420 1425
www.cwalsh.com.au
On Tue, Mar 15, 2016 at 9:17 AM, 'Cristina Casanova' krsna-l@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk] <ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Hi all
One of the best researchers on shame is Sylvan Tomkins. You can go to the
Tomlins Institute website.
Also Nathanson’s Shame Pride and the Birth of the Self
From: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx [mailto:
ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx]
Sent: Monday, March 14, 2016 5:08 PM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] Shame
Hi Vinay and all,
There is a great in depth research by Brene Brown, PhD, researcher (Social
work), and storyteller. Her research started with the topic ‘Connection’
and right in the very beginning of the study she discovered that there is
something that unravels connection. On further examination she could tell
that this something was ’Shame’.
Brene describes it all in her book ’Daring Greatly’. Her TedTalk The Power
of Vulnerability’ can give you a first impression of her research. There is
a longer youtube series (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCwsGlMVbZE), in
case you wanna dive in deeper, it is worth it. She talks about
vulnerability, guilt versus shame (guilt-I did something wrong, shame-I am
wrong), coping mechanisms, trauma and much more.
I find it to be an easy and fun listening with lots of examples.
These are such fundamental findings, which I believe to be universal, that
they can be applied to any culture to a major degree. Probably good for any
facilitator, with a background in psychotherapy/psychology or not.
Enjoy,
Verena
On Mon, Mar 14, 2016 at 7:56 AM, Steve Vinay Gunther spirited@xxxxxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk] <ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Hey folks
I wanted to raise a professional issue.
There are many different styles of constellation facilitation. From one
point of view, they are all welcome.
At the same time, I wonder how people feel about facilitation which
utilises shame.
Especially in the 60’s and 70’s, many forms of therapy used a
confrontative type of approach to get people to some core truths, and jolt
them out of their less functional patterns of communication.
In this century, a lot of therapies have moved towards a more ‘relational’
approach, which often is informed by current understanding of the effect of
shame, and the importance of understanding this in a therapeutic or
teaching type of interaction.
However, there are constellation facilitators who are not therapists, and
perhaps do not see Constellation work as necessarily needing to reference
therapy theory or practices. And constellation facilitators from different
cultures have different views on how to move people through their process;
some cultural styles may be more ‘robust’.
This is not just an abstract question. There are examples where
facilitators use confrontative encounters in a constellation context.
I am interested in how others see this, and to what degree there may be
culturally based views operating in our underlying assumptions about
matters such as this. For those who dont see constellations as necessarily
having to reference the world of psychotherapy, then what are the views
about the use of shame.
I reflect on these things, as most of my constellation work is done in
Asian cultures. On the one hand there is a particular kind of sensitivity
to shame. But in other ways, attitudes differ from the west regarding
teaching, as Confucian style approaches are traditionally more vertical. At
the same time, my understanding of shame is that it is a universally
experienced social emotion, which is not generally helpful in learning
contexts.
Vinay
--
Carpe diem!
Verena Giebels
Certified Cranio-Sacral Practitioner
Licensed Massage Practitioner
Family Constellations Facilitator
(001) 360 421 6296
1330 S 2nd St, Ste 103, Mt Vernon, WA
<http://www.bodysoulhealing.abmp.com/> www.bodysoulhealing.abmp.com
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