Dear Chris, Hania and others
Zaquie I agree with you on the value of Bradshaws work and its a great
discussion helpful for us all. My understanding of the two types of Shame came
from study and work with John Bradshaw and his non shaming therapeutic model
for Innerchild work. His work in ‘Healing the Shame that Binds Us’ is so
valuable for understanding the entanglements and enmeshments that happen as a
consequence of shaming. While I love the work of Brene Brown his work takes a
deeper look at the darker aspects of shame.
Understanding the difference between healthy shame and toxic shame can at times
be challenging and so subtle, shame based people cover shame with shameless
shaming disguised in many ways and often as ‘love and caring’(often completely
unconscious of this) When shame is toxic, it is an excruciatingly painful
experience of unexpected exposure, as being seen as flawed and defective, less
than. It divides us from ourselves and from others and any possibility of true
connection and intimacy in relationship, when it is triggered it sets off many
of the responses you mentioned Chris.
Everyone needs a sense of shame, but no one needs to feel ashamed. ―Frederick
Nietzsche
The psychologist Erik Erikson talks about the psychosocial task during the
developmental stage of counter dependence being to strike a balance between
autonomy and shame and doubt, the full affect of shame experienced as limits
put on child’s need to separate and do things his or her own way. With healthy
caregivers this is encouraged with boundaries and limits and mistakes are
corrected in a loving caring way and reassurance given that the behaviour isn’t
ok, shame based parents with their own experience of feeling flawed and
defective will treat the child with disdain not separating the behaviour from
the child.
“Shame is a natural feeling that, when allowed to function well, monitors a
person's sense of excitement or pleasure. Healthy shame is an emotion that
teaches us about our limits. Like all emotions, shame moves us to get our basic
needs met. But when the feeling of shame is violated by a coercive and
perfectionistic religion and culture―especially by shame-based source figures
―it becomes an all-embracing identity.”
A person with internalized shame (toxic) believes he is inherently flawed,
inferior and defective. Such a feeling is so painful that defending scripts (or
strategies) are developed to cover it up. These scripts are the roots of
violence, criminality, war and all forms of addiction.” (Bradshaw, Healing the
Shame that binds us, more than 25 yrs ago references Sylvan Thomkins model)
Bradshaw also shares below from the earliest known writing on shame.
The earliest treatise on shame was written by Annnibale Pocaterra, born in
1562. Awareness of Pocaterra's book, Two Dialogues on Shame, came from Donald
Nathanson's comprehensive book Shame and Pride. According to Nathanson,
Pocaterra wrote his book on shame at age thirty. His book was the only
scholarly work on shame until Darwin wrote about it three hundred years later.
Pocaterra died a few months after publishing his book. (see Shame and Pride,
pages 443–445).
In the beginning of his book, Pocaterra tells us that 'in the end shame is
a good thing, a part of everyday existence.' Shame, according to Pocaterra,
makes us timorous, humble and contrite and causes outrage against the self.
When we are attacked by shame, Pocaterra says we 'would like nothing better
than to run and hide from the eyes of the world.' He also describes shame as
the 'fear of infamy,' which can lead a person to attack his enemy with passion.
Shame is thus capable of both cowardice and bravery. Long before Silvan
Tomkins's treatise on shame, Pocaterra posited that our emotions are innate and
that 'they are only good or evil as the end to which they are used.' There is
an innate and a learned component to all emotion. 'Therefore,' Pocaterra
writes, 'there must be two shames, one natural and free from awareness and the
other acquired.'
Pocaterra understood shame to be our teacher. He thought the shame of
children was like a seed that will become a small plant in youth and leads to
virtue at maturity. Pocaterra looked at blushing as the external sign of shame
and believed that blushing was both the recognition of having made a mistake as
well as the desire to make amends. Three hundred years later Darwin would posit
blushing as that which distinguishes us from all other animals. Darwin knew
that the mother of the blush was shame. For Darwin, shame defines our essential
humanity. Silvan Tomkins views shame as an innate feeling that limits our
experience of interest, curiosity and pleasure.
We could discuss this topic for a year and never exhausted its value! Thanks
everyone, and always your good questions Vinay
Jonine
Jonine Lee Gabay
Mindfulness based Breathwork Therapy I Family Constellations I Counselling I
Coaching I NLP
M 0402 067 024 I E <mailto:jonine@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
jonine@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx I W
<http://www.coreconnectiontrainings.com/> www.coreconnectiontrainings.com
"Walking, I am listening to a deeper way. Suddenly all my ancestors are behind
me.
Be still, they say. Watch and listen. You are the result of the love of
thousands.""Walking, I am listening to a deeper way. Suddenly all my ancestors
are behind me. Be still, they say. Watch and listen. You are the result of the
love of thousands."
From: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] ;
Sent: Wednesday, 16 March 2016 4:12 AM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] Shame
Dear Hania and all,
I entirely agree with Hania about shame. Id like to add that I find one of
the greatest pleasure of the “ predator” is to keep the other one “ small” and
Full of shame. Small.
Even though the mistake may be small…but the tendency is to dominate the other
one thru “ shame”. You will be punished…and continue to be punished…
Pay your errors…
It is easy to see the “ predator” in us. If we have a tendency to keep the
other one “ small” and “ paying for his mistakes” even the small ones. We feel
“ on top” and the other “ submissive”
Whatever “ the error” .
Shame is instilled.
One of the greatest book on shame I have ever read is “ Healing the Shame that
Binds You” by John Bradshaw and that helped me a lot.
Zaquie C Meredith, Sao Paulo, Brazil
www.zaquie.com <http://www.zaquie.com>
zaquie@xxxxxxxxxx <mailto:zaquie@xxxxxxxxxx>
(011) 979978808 (Vivo)
www.facebook/com/zaquie.meredith <http://www.facebook/com/zaquie.meredith>
Linkedin.com/in/zaquie
youtube:zaquiemeredith
twitter:zaquiemeredith
From: < <mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> on behalf of "Leslie Nipps
<mailto:lnipps@xxxxxxxxx> lnipps@xxxxxxxxx [ConstellationTalk]" <
<mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Reply-To: < <mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Date: Tuesday, March 15, 2016 at 1:38 PM
To: Constellation Talk < <mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] Shame
I just got a great deal out of the dialogue between Hania and Chris, so thank
you! I can feel the systemic connection between shame and what Hania is calling
humility. Can’t we all remember a representation in which we were resisting,
resisting shame, and then we let go, and there is was, the bliss of humility in
its place? So, they are surely connected. Whether more like the way Hania
describes it, or as Chris describes it (dampening as a lesser form of
shame—connected to humility perhaps?), I think we can all feel the systemic
desires hidden in shame, and how it can be a gift if we look for them.
Having said all that, there is a great difference between all this and using
shaming systematically with a client - I think we have two different
conversations overlapping here (one about the systemics of shame, and one about
using shame as a facilitator tool). I can say that systemically, the role of
shaming the client at a recent Hellinger event was less about the client per
se, and more about influencing the larger group. One never knew if the next
client was going to be the love-bombed one, or the shamed one. And it led to
lots of interesting compliance behaviors from both clients and the rest of the
gathering. People who don’t see it as shaming will argue vociferously that it’s
very good for the client who wasn’t “ready” (or some such). Even considering
that it might mean something different can be very upsetting for people who
have a lot of emotional well-being caught up in the “goodness” of the leader. I
think it’s more about a leader and their followers, than it is about an attempt
at a meaningful client intervention.
Peace, Leslie
The Rev. Leslie Nipps
NLP & Family Constellations Practitioner
“Trust as a Way of Life…”
www.leslienipps.com <http://www.leslienipps.com>
Co-Director, 2015 North American Systemic Constellations Conference in San
Diego on November 12-15.
Visit ConstellateUs.com/conference2015 for more information
On Mar 15, 2016, at 6:35 AM, Hania Gorski haniagorski@xxxxxxxxx
<mailto:haniagorski@xxxxxxxxx> [ConstellationTalk]
<ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> >
wrote:
Hi Chris and All,
I would like to bring the point, that there are different concepts of shame,
and different definitions.
Chris, I respectfully disagree with you - I see that it's a kind of your
definition, or interpretation of shame, as looking at "adaptive" and "healthy"
function of shame.
I see the topic you're describing - as a misconstruction of mixing shame with
humbleness.
The ritual of bowing has nothing in common with shame and it's actually
opposite - it's gentle, humble respect and acknowledgement of being small (yes,
shrinking from being too big, a very healthy process). That is description of
being humble, not shamed.
Humbleness is healthy and adaptive, and facilitates deep growth.
Shame - in my opinion, and my therapeutic/facilitator experience - is never a
good motivator as it's impossible to bring any real goodness by imposing
negativity, like cleaning a floor with a dirty cloth.
It always brings a sense of isolation, alienation, separation, not connection.
Shame stands next to fear and guilt and rejection, and it was used along with
all these negative "tools" as an effective social control/power weapon
(sometimes deadly) in the history of human kind, and it is still used. It
was/is also widely used in raising children to make them obedient and
disconnected from themselves in order to serve adult society purposes.
Shame is also inseparable from family "dirty" secrets, sexual abuse trauma, and
domestic violence.
Shame is a toxic tool of domination in relationships, separating people from
each other, and from Love, therefore it's against Orders of Love. That's my
definition.
No surprise that we deal with shame in constellation work; from the beginning,
in a process of offering clients constellation, we see facets of shame in
family system - visible even in our clients' resistance to work in a group
setting.
Groups/constellation workshops are potential theatres of shame and
retraumatisation, so it is so extremely important for the facilitator to be
aware of these dynamics, and to not step into/re-create the shame space. The
Knowing Field is also a potential mining field.
Thanks Robert for posting the link to Vivien Broughton article about ethics in
constellation facilitation - what she listed as good qualities of a
facilitator, emphasises importance of navigating through the constellation
process in such way that doesn't deepen shame and doesn't retraumatise clients
(and representatives).
I'd like to respond also to the beginning of this thread when someone asked
about experiences with shame in constellations.
I had a very interesting and learning experience as a representative; I was
representing a father of the client; this father was a son of a man who was
caught up as a paedophile.
While I was standing in my representative role, I've experienced few feelings
and body sensations/movements. One of the leading feelings was an enormous
shame, felt as unforgivable guilt/shame and alienation; my body was heavy under
these feelings, like a lifeless heavy bag, and my eyes were glued to the floor.
Unfortunately, the facilitator didn't ask for my report as a representative for
a long time (even if the main enquiry from the client was about her
relationship with her father whom I was representing).
The facilitator was stating aloud that the father is looking at dead, and
bringing representative for dead. Later on, when it was not leading anywhere, I
was asked for the report, and I stated my feelings of shame (with few others).
When the shame was brought and acknowledged, a process of healing begun, and
gradually I could see my daughter. That was bringing a further healing to the
daughter.
I'd like to respond also to someone mentioning prof. Brene Brown, a researcher
of vulnerability and shame. I love her concepts and presentations, she brings a
lot of new air to understanding of social dynamics of shame and vulnerability
in society and culture. She clearly distinguishes shame from humbleness, and
her research proves that shame damages and alienates people. Her antidote to
shame - in short - is courage and authenticity, which implies humbleness and
acceptance of our imperfections.
Her findings are great in a broad social context as Brene Brown focuses mainly
on social/cultural/gender context of shame (she is a professor of social work
at Texas University).
She calls herself a shame researcher, but unfortunately she doesn't go to shame
issues in a trauma/family system context.
That area of shame still awaits to be explored fully, as some of B.B. proposals
of resolving shame are not really helpful for traumatised clients who are
deeply buried in shame.
I think that shame is so important and rich topic, and there are so interesting
cultural specifics regarding reasons and expressions of shame. We need to be
aware of these cross-cultural subtleties.
I hope to hear more from our forum members.
Best regards
<https://s3.amazonaws.com/webapp.wisestamp.com/kaIZNPyNTZ6zigBzinPG_picasabackground.png#logo>
<http://au.linkedin.com/in/haniagorski>
Hania Gorski, Melbourne
Psychologist, Relationship Coach, Systemic Therapist
Mobile: <tel:+61%20400%20225%20357> +61 400 225 357
Email: <mailto:haniagorski@xxxxxxxxx> haniagorski@xxxxxxxxx
Website:
<http://www.wholerelationships.com%20%20www.familysystemic.com%20%20www.integritysources.com>
www.wholerelationships.com www.familysystemic.com www.integritysources.com
The world, I’ve come to think, is like the surface of a frozen lake. We walk
along, we slip, we try to keep our balance and not to fall. One day, there’s a
crack, and so we learn that underneath us — is an unimaginable depth. James
Joyce
On 15 March 2016 at 22:16, 'Cristina Casanova' krsna-l@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
<mailto:krsna-l@xxxxxxxxxxxxx> [ConstellationTalk]
<ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> >
wrote:
Learning to stay with the affect of shame in the body, and discharging the
emotion without reacting, finding a creative answers gives me an immense
freedom to be.
From: <mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx [mailto: ;
<mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, March 15, 2016 4:10 AM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
<mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] Shame
Thanks for that Cristina
You have given us Tomkins description of what elicits the affect of shame and I
think it is a great starting point.
If as constellation practitioners we understood affect/ emotions better we
could do a much better job.
Personally I do have some problems with Tomkins theory. Firstly the word shame
is far too strong for most people and they automatically equate it with a toxic
form of shame where it spirals out of control in much the same way as anxiety
can when it becomes panic. So "shame" is a difficult word. A better word for
the mild version of that feeling is dampening as in "His excitement was
dampened." We can intuitively tell that this is accurate because when we say
someone is shameless we mean they won't let go of their excitement, they won't
admit they have made a mistake.
With the word dampening, it is now much more possible to see the adaptive
value of shame. Then it is much more possible to have a sensible discussion. It
is then possible to see there is a mild version of shame called dampening which
has a lot of qualities that are identical to the severe form called shame or
humiliation. Both slow us down physically and cognitively. Dampening helps us
to step back and take stock and then act more skillfully. Shame can paralyse us.
Despite this shame feels quite different to dampening just as panic feels quite
different to mild anxiety. The way to deal with panic is to develop a friendly
relationship with anxiety. The way to deal with shame is to develop a friendly
relationship with dampening.
Cheers
Chris Walsh
Melbourne, Australia
ph +61 (0)3 <tel:%2B61%20%280%293%C2%A09420%201425> 9420 1425
www.cwalsh.com.au <http://www.cwalsh.com.au/>
On Tue, Mar 15, 2016 at 12:13 PM, 'Cristina Casanova' krsna-l@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
<mailto:krsna-l@xxxxxxxxxxxxx> [ConstellationTalk]
<ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> >
wrote:
Shame is an affect wired into the nervous system. It happens when joy and
interest are interrupted and it is felt by people in different degrees.
From: <mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx [mailto: ;
<mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx]
Sent: Monday, March 14, 2016 8:42 PM
To: <mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] Shame
Hi Chris,
I am not so sure about “shameless is untrustworthy”. The colloquial use of
shameless is perhaps someone who will not hold back in the face of possible
disapproval or rejection. That may not make them unloving and therefore
untrustworthy.
Buddhism not with standing, could it be that shame is an unequivocal sign of
trauma? Would the healthy, happy and wise still need the intense fear of shame
or self rejection as an impulse control mechanism? Shall we throw out that
baby, bathwater and all?
Best wishes,
Robert
On Tue, Mar 15, 2016 at 10:30 AM, Chris Walsh chris@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
<mailto:chris@xxxxxxxxxxxxx> [ConstellationTalk]
<ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> >
wrote:
Thanks Cristina
Sylvan Tomkins and his followers including Donald Nathanson are the only people
I know who define shame in a meaningful way when they talk about it. Without a
definition much of the conversation about shame ends up being a series of
misunderstandings where people are talking cross purposes.
Tomkins describes shame as being a flattening emotion (or affect to be precise)
that makes us lose energy, makes us clumsy and stops us from thinking clearly.
Despite that, like all of our emotions, it has adaptive value. It dampens our
excitement when it is misdirected. There is a linguistic clue to that when we
look at the word "shameless".
Someone who is shameless is untrustworthy because they don't pay any attention
to social constraints. Shame is important for socialisation and fitting into
groups. Of course it can be misused to beat people into shape but let's not
commit the error of throwing out the baby with the bathwater.
It is interesting that Steve who is working with Asian cultures raised this
topic. Asian cultures are less individualistic and prioritise collective
wellbeing. As such they treat shaming more delicately. They are very aware of
it in the concept of "face". Saving face is extremely important for the
Chinese. Causing someone to lose face is a very serious matter.
Unfortunately we in the West have gone from ignoring shame to demonising it -
especially in therapeutic circles. As far as I am concerned that is still a
very primitive response. Shame needs to be integrated, to be given a place and
included and to be valued as an adaptive emotion. Only then can we have a
healthy relationship with shame - Sounds like a constellation doesn't it!
Cheers
Chris Walsh
Melbourne, Australia
ph +61 (0)3 <tel:%2B61%20%280%293%C2%A09420%201425> 9420 1425
www.cwalsh.com.au <http://www.cwalsh.com.au/>
