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The Shame Culture
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David Brooks <http://www.nytimes.com/column/david-brooks> MARCH 15, 2016
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In 1987, Allan Bloom wrote a book called “The Closing of the American Mind.”
The core argument was that American campuses were awash in moral relativism.
Subjective personal values had replaced universal moral principles. Nothing was
either right or wrong. Amid a wave of rampant nonjudgmentalism, life was
flatter and emptier.
Bloom’s thesis was accurate at the time, but it’s not accurate anymore. College
campuses are today awash in moral judgment.
Many people carefully guard their words, afraid they might transgress one of
the norms that have come into existence. Those accused of incorrect thought
face ruinous consequences. When a moral crusade spreads across campus, many
students feel compelled to post in support of it on Facebook within minutes. If
they do not post, they will be noticed and condemned.
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Some sort of moral system is coming into place. Some new criteria now exist,
which people use to define correct and incorrect action. The big question is:
What is the nature of this new moral system?
Last year, Andy Crouch published an essay in Christianity Today
<http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2015/march/andy-crouch-gospel-in-age-of-public-shame.html?share=TpXih9BTOZ5XVTIN6sRVlVusVW9KGY0n>
that takes us toward an answer.
Crouch starts with the distinction the anthropologist Ruth Benedict
popularized, between a guilt culture and a shame culture. In a guilt culture
you know you are good or bad by what your conscience feels. In a shame culture
you know you are good or bad by what your community says about you, by whether
it honors or excludes you. In a guilt culture people sometimes feel they do bad
things; in a shame culture social exclusion makes people feel they are bad.
Crouch argues that the omnipresence of social media has created a new sort of
shame culture. The world of Facebook, Instagram and the rest is a world of
constant display and observation. The desire to be embraced and praised by the
community is intense. People dread being exiled and condemned. Moral life is
not built on the continuum of right and wrong; it’s built on the continuum of
inclusion and exclusion.
This creates a set of common behavior patterns. First, members of a group
lavish one another with praise so that they themselves might be accepted and
praised in turn.
Second, there are nonetheless enforcers within the group who build their
personal power and reputation by policing the group and condemning those who
break the group code. Social media can be vicious to those who don’t fit in.
Twitter can erupt in instant ridicule for anyone who stumbles.
Third, people are extremely anxious that their group might be condemned or
denigrated. They demand instant respect and recognition for their group. They
feel some moral wrong has been perpetrated when their group has been
disrespected, and react with the most violent intensity.
Crouch describes how video gamers viciously went after journalists, mostly
women, who had criticized the misogyny of their games. Campus controversies get
so hot so fast because even a minor slight to a group is perceived as a basic
identity threat.
The ultimate sin today, Crouch argues, is to criticize a group, especially on
moral grounds. Talk of good and bad has to defer to talk about respect and
recognition. Crouch writes, “Talk of right and wrong is troubling when it is
accompanied by seeming indifference to the experience of shame that accompanies
judgments of ‘immorality.’”
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He notes that this shame culture is different from the traditional shame
cultures, the ones in Asia, for example. In traditional shame cultures the
opposite of shame was honor or “face” — being known as a dignified and
upstanding citizen. In the new shame culture, the opposite of shame is
celebrity — to be attention-grabbing and aggressively unique on some media
platform.
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On the positive side, this new shame culture might rebind the social and
communal fabric. It might reverse, a bit, the individualistic, atomizing thrust
of the past 50 years.
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On the other hand, everybody is perpetually insecure in a moral system based on
inclusion and exclusion. There are no permanent standards, just the shifting
judgment of the crowd. It is a culture of oversensitivity, overreaction and
frequent moral panics, during which everybody feels compelled to go along.
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33Comments
If we’re going to avoid a constant state of anxiety, people’s identities have
to be based on standards of justice and virtue that are deeper and more
permanent than the shifting fancy of the crowd. In an era of omnipresent social
media, it’s probably doubly important to discover and name your own personal
True North, vision of an ultimate good, which is worth defending even at the
cost of unpopularity and exclusion.
The guilt culture could be harsh, but at least you could hate the sin and still
love the sinner. The modern shame culture allegedly values inclusion and
tolerance, but it can be strangely unmerciful to those who disagree and to
those who don’t fit in.
From: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] ;
Sent: Tuesday, March 15, 2016 4:10 AM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] Shame
Thanks for that Cristina
You have given us Tomkins description of what elicits the affect of shame and I
think it is a great starting point.
If as constellation practitioners we understood affect/ emotions better we
could do a much better job.
Personally I do have some problems with Tomkins theory. Firstly the word shame
is far too strong for most people and they automatically equate it with a toxic
form of shame where it spirals out of control in much the same way as anxiety
can when it becomes panic. So "shame" is a difficult word. A better word for
the mild version of that feeling is dampening as in "His excitement was
dampened." We can intuitively tell that this is accurate because when we say
someone is shameless we mean they won't let go of their excitement, they won't
admit they have made a mistake.
With the word dampening, it is now much more possible to see the adaptive
value of shame. Then it is much more possible to have a sensible discussion. It
is then possible to see there is a mild version of shame called dampening which
has a lot of qualities that are identical to the severe form called shame or
humiliation. Both slow us down physically and cognitively. Dampening helps us
to step back and take stock and then act more skillfully. Shame can paralyse us.
Despite this shame feels quite different to dampening just as panic feels quite
different to mild anxiety. The way to deal with panic is to develop a friendly
relationship with anxiety. The way to deal with shame is to develop a friendly
relationship with dampening.
Cheers
Chris Walsh
Melbourne, Australia
ph +61 (0)3 9420 1425
www.cwalsh.com.au
On Tue, Mar 15, 2016 at 12:13 PM, 'Cristina Casanova' krsna-l@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk] <ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Shame is an affect wired into the nervous system. It happens when joy and
interest are interrupted and it is felt by people in different degrees.
From: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] ;
Sent: Monday, March 14, 2016 8:42 PM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] Shame
Hi Chris,
I am not so sure about “shameless is untrustworthy”. The colloquial use of
shameless is perhaps someone who will not hold back in the face of possible
disapproval or rejection. That may not make them unloving and therefore
untrustworthy.
Buddhism not with standing, could it be that shame is an unequivocal sign of
trauma? Would the healthy, happy and wise still need the intense fear of shame
or self rejection as an impulse control mechanism? Shall we throw out that
baby, bathwater and all?
Best wishes,
Robert
On Tue, Mar 15, 2016 at 10:30 AM, Chris Walsh chris@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk] <ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Thanks Cristina
Sylvan Tomkins and his followers including Donald Nathanson are the only people
I know who define shame in a meaningful way when they talk about it. Without a
definition much of the conversation about shame ends up being a series of
misunderstandings where people are talking cross purposes.
Tomkins describes shame as being a flattening emotion (or affect to be precise)
that makes us lose energy, makes us clumsy and stops us from thinking clearly.
Despite that, like all of our emotions, it has adaptive value. It dampens our
excitement when it is misdirected. There is a linguistic clue to that when we
look at the word "shameless".
Someone who is shameless is untrustworthy because they don't pay any attention
to social constraints. Shame is important for socialisation and fitting into
groups. Of course it can be misused to beat people into shape but let's not
commit the error of throwing out the baby with the bathwater.
It is interesting that Steve who is working with Asian cultures raised this
topic. Asian cultures are less individualistic and prioritise collective
wellbeing. As such they treat shaming more delicately. They are very aware of
it in the concept of "face". Saving face is extremely important for the
Chinese. Causing someone to lose face is a very serious matter.
Unfortunately we in the West have gone from ignoring shame to demonising it -
especially in therapeutic circles. As far as I am concerned that is still a
very primitive response. Shame needs to be integrated, to be given a place and
included and to be valued as an adaptive emotion. Only then can we have a
healthy relationship with shame - Sounds like a constellation doesn't it!
Cheers
Chris Walsh
Melbourne, Australia
ph +61 (0)3 <tel:%2B61%20%280%293%C2%A09420%201425> 9420 1425
www.cwalsh.com.au
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