Learning to stay with the affect of shame in the body, and discharging the
emotion without reacting, finding a creative answers gives me an immense
freedom to be.
From: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] ;
Sent: Tuesday, March 15, 2016 4:10 AM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] Shame
Thanks for that Cristina
You have given us Tomkins description of what elicits the affect of shame and I
think it is a great starting point.
If as constellation practitioners we understood affect/ emotions better we
could do a much better job.
Personally I do have some problems with Tomkins theory. Firstly the word shame
is far too strong for most people and they automatically equate it with a toxic
form of shame where it spirals out of control in much the same way as anxiety
can when it becomes panic. So "shame" is a difficult word. A better word for
the mild version of that feeling is dampening as in "His excitement was
dampened." We can intuitively tell that this is accurate because when we say
someone is shameless we mean they won't let go of their excitement, they won't
admit they have made a mistake.
With the word dampening, it is now much more possible to see the adaptive
value of shame. Then it is much more possible to have a sensible discussion. It
is then possible to see there is a mild version of shame called dampening which
has a lot of qualities that are identical to the severe form called shame or
humiliation. Both slow us down physically and cognitively. Dampening helps us
to step back and take stock and then act more skillfully. Shame can paralyse us.
Despite this shame feels quite different to dampening just as panic feels quite
different to mild anxiety. The way to deal with panic is to develop a friendly
relationship with anxiety. The way to deal with shame is to develop a friendly
relationship with dampening.
Cheers
Chris Walsh
Melbourne, Australia
ph +61 (0)3 9420 1425
www.cwalsh.com.au
On Tue, Mar 15, 2016 at 12:13 PM, 'Cristina Casanova' krsna-l@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk] <ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Shame is an affect wired into the nervous system. It happens when joy and
interest are interrupted and it is felt by people in different degrees.
From: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[mailto:ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] ;
Sent: Monday, March 14, 2016 8:42 PM
To: ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: Re: [ConstellationTalk] Shame
Hi Chris,
I am not so sure about “shameless is untrustworthy”. The colloquial use of
shameless is perhaps someone who will not hold back in the face of possible
disapproval or rejection. That may not make them unloving and therefore
untrustworthy.
Buddhism not with standing, could it be that shame is an unequivocal sign of
trauma? Would the healthy, happy and wise still need the intense fear of shame
or self rejection as an impulse control mechanism? Shall we throw out that
baby, bathwater and all?
Best wishes,
Robert
On Tue, Mar 15, 2016 at 10:30 AM, Chris Walsh chris@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk] <ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Thanks Cristina
Sylvan Tomkins and his followers including Donald Nathanson are the only people
I know who define shame in a meaningful way when they talk about it. Without a
definition much of the conversation about shame ends up being a series of
misunderstandings where people are talking cross purposes.
Tomkins describes shame as being a flattening emotion (or affect to be precise)
that makes us lose energy, makes us clumsy and stops us from thinking clearly.
Despite that, like all of our emotions, it has adaptive value. It dampens our
excitement when it is misdirected. There is a linguistic clue to that when we
look at the word "shameless".
Someone who is shameless is untrustworthy because they don't pay any attention
to social constraints. Shame is important for socialisation and fitting into
groups. Of course it can be misused to beat people into shape but let's not
commit the error of throwing out the baby with the bathwater.
It is interesting that Steve who is working with Asian cultures raised this
topic. Asian cultures are less individualistic and prioritise collective
wellbeing. As such they treat shaming more delicately. They are very aware of
it in the concept of "face". Saving face is extremely important for the
Chinese. Causing someone to lose face is a very serious matter.
Unfortunately we in the West have gone from ignoring shame to demonising it -
especially in therapeutic circles. As far as I am concerned that is still a
very primitive response. Shame needs to be integrated, to be given a place and
included and to be valued as an adaptive emotion. Only then can we have a
healthy relationship with shame - Sounds like a constellation doesn't it!
Cheers
Chris Walsh
Melbourne, Australia
ph +61 (0)3 <tel:%2B61%20%280%293%C2%A09420%201425> 9420 1425
www.cwalsh.com.au
