Hi Chris,
I am not so sure about “shameless is untrustworthy”. The colloquial use of
shameless is perhaps someone who will not hold back in the face of possible
disapproval or rejection. That may not make them unloving and therefore
untrustworthy.
Buddhism not with standing, could it be that shame is an unequivocal sign
of trauma? Would the healthy, happy and wise still need the intense fear of
shame or self rejection as an impulse control mechanism? Shall we throw
out that baby, bathwater and all?
Best wishes,
Robert
On Tue, Mar 15, 2016 at 10:30 AM, Chris Walsh chris@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
[ConstellationTalk] <ConstellationTalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Thanks Cristina
Sylvan Tomkins and his followers including Donald Nathanson are the only
people I know who define shame in a meaningful way when they talk about it.
Without a definition much of the conversation about shame ends up being a
series of misunderstandings where people are talking cross purposes.
Tomkins describes shame as being a flattening emotion (or affect to be
precise) that makes us lose energy, makes us clumsy and stops us from
thinking clearly. Despite that, like all of our emotions, it has adaptive
value. It dampens our excitement when it is misdirected. There is a
linguistic clue to that when we look at the word "shameless".
Someone who is shameless is untrustworthy because they don't pay any
attention to social constraints. Shame is important for socialisation and
fitting into groups. Of course it can be misused to beat people into shape
but let's not commit the error of throwing out the baby with the bathwater.
It is interesting that Steve who is working with Asian cultures raised
this topic. Asian cultures are less individualistic and prioritise
collective wellbeing. As such they treat shaming more delicately. They are
very aware of it in the concept of "face". Saving face is extremely
important for the Chinese. Causing someone to lose face is a very serious
matter.
Unfortunately we in the West have gone from ignoring shame to demonising
it - especially in therapeutic circles. As far as I am concerned that is
still a very primitive response. Shame needs to be integrated, to be given
a place and included and to be valued as an adaptive emotion. Only then
can we have a healthy relationship with shame - Sounds like a constellation
doesn't it!
Cheers
Chris Walsh
Melbourne, Australia
ph +61 (0)3 9420 1425
www.cwalsh.com.au
